she takes plan B like it's going out of style
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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