please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
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