Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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