i'm signing you up for texting rehab
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
