U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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