I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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