Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
