tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
