Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
