you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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