There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize