I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
