i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He passed out mid-signature
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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