sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize