Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Everyone says I win the strip club
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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