Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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