Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize