planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
