you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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