WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
