I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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