i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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