i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize