you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
