Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
