Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
