I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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