Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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