Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
