Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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