I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
