did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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