Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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