I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
