you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just had sex on a roof
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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