Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize