just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
