I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
someone owes me an orgasm
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
i think im in europe. pls send help
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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