You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
