If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I lost the right to judge tonight
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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