My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
