I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
