I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
