I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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