connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
