I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
