I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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