Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
