i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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