I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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