the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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