Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
