I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize