Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I did not marry a roomba.
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