i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
