the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
