today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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