we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Drunk is not a location!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
