i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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