god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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